Via Community News Service, a University of Vermont journalism internship, in partnership with Vermont Public
Content note: This story discusses substance use disorder and the death of a child.
Rosemary Rosa looks forward to waking up early. Most mornings, she watches the sunrise from her home in central Vermont.
“I wake up, usually, between 4 and 5 a.m.,” she said. “I go for a run and I do some journaling. And having these routines sets the day up for being good.”
Rosa likes hiking and watching the seasons change, and she loves being silly with her three kids. She likes being present for all of life’s moments — something she couldn’t do back when she was drinking.
“I’m a person in recovery from substance use. Alcohol was my substance that was a challenge,” she said.
Rosa has been in recovery for almost a decade — this October will mark 10 years since she stopped drinking alcohol. Today, she’s a parent and a birth doula, and she supports other people in recovery from substance use.
The path to recovery wasn’t always clear for Rosa, though.
She started drinking regularly when she was in high school. By the time she was 22, she was “pretty much drinking day in and day out.” She said she was partying a lot and that the people around her weren’t the greatest influence.
It was around this time, in her early twenties, that she got pregnant for the first time 一 with a son.
She did not drink during her pregnancy. But shortly after her son was born, Rosa relapsed. One day, after drinking, she fell asleep on the couch while holding her baby.
“And a friend of mine woke me up [because] he wasn’t breathing,” she said. “We called 911, and they were able to resuscitate him. But he was on life support for about a week, and then [he was declared] brain dead.”
They took the baby off life support.
“During that week, I was just praying that he would be OK,” she said. “And then when he wasn’t, I couldn’t reconcile how there could be a God, or how life could be worth living. And so, for the next two years, I just spiraled.”
Rosa pleaded guilty to reckless endangerment in connection to the incident. And in the two years that followed, she was arrested several times, including for shoplifting alcohol and disorderly conduct. After being arrested for driving under the influence, she spent a weekend in jail.
At first, she said she didn’t feel like she belonged with “criminals.”
“And then, I was like, ‘Actually, I’ve been drinking and driving and living really recklessly. I kind of do belong here,’” she said.
Those few days were wake-up call.
Worried about what the future would look like if she didn’t make a change, Rosa attempted recovery once more.
“I had tried to get sober so many times that, when I got sober that time, I really didn’t think, like, ‘This is it. I’m not gonna drink anymore.’ I was just like, ‘I have to stop for a while,’” she said.
She had been substance-free for three months when she found herself staring at another positive pregnancy test. This time, she was pregnant with her daughter.
“I remember taking the pregnancy test and shaking it when it came back positive,” she said. “Like, ‘Oh my God, am I gonna be able to do this? Am I even gonna be able to stay sober after she’s born?’”
She was terrified, and it was hard not to let the fear take over.
“I still just felt vulnerable and ashamed at how many times I had relapsed,” she said. “But I had this epiphany that I [had to do] something more to support my recovery,”
She started attending meetings and going to therapy. She said she started doing everything she could to try to take care of herself.
It wasn’t easy.
At nine months sober and six months pregnant, Rosa remembers feeling “just as miserable” as she had when she first stopped drinking.
She joked she was “maybe even more miserable” because she “didn’t have the booze to take the edge off.”
But it worked. Rosa has been in recovery since 2016.
Rosa’s daughter is almost nine years old now. She’s a big sister to two little brothers, who are ages 6 and 3. None of the kids have ever seen Rosa drink.
“I’m almost exactly a year more [into my] sobriety than my daughter is old,” Rosa said. “And so in some ways, it has kind of felt like growing up together.”
One of the most important changes Rosa has noticed in herself since she stopped drinking is her ability to show up for those around her, especially for her kids.
“Sobriety has definitely opened up a beautiful life,” she said. “To be there and be present and healthy for my kids — especially after how tragic and traumatic the first experience was — has been very rewarding and humbling.”
She said it is important to her to be able to continually show up for her kids, day after day, so that they have what they deserve.
“And when I start to get sucked into those feelings of feeling ashamed, or feeling devastated, I’m able to redirect myself and be like, ‘Yes, it is horrible that those are the decisions that were made and that that happened.’ But like, ‘What can I do today to do better, and to keep moving forward?’”
Going through the trauma and the humbling of her addiction and then getting sober isn’t something Rosa feels grateful for. But she said the experience has helped her to be kinder and more empathetic to other people who are struggling.
“As I get further along in my recovery, it’s been easier to do that with myself, too,” she said.
This mindset of compassion and forgiveness has been instrumental in Rosa’s life and work today. She’s a birth doula and an avid herbalist. She’s also the executive director of the Turning Point Center of Central Vermont, where she provides resources and support to others navigating substance use.
“Seeing people in the position that I was at when things went wrong, and being able to hopefully help them avoid that kind of outcome, has been rewarding,” she said.
Rosa emphasizes that one size does not fit all when it comes to seeking treatment for addiction.
She also likes to quote author Johann Hari, saying that, “the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety — it’s connection.”
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s national helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for free, confidential treatment referrals, or visit findtreatment.gov.